Very Short Novels

I've been trying to write the Great Canadian Novel, but I am beginning to think it will never happen. I have these ideas for situations and some of them might even be good, but when I start writing, they seem stupid and the whole thing fizzles out. Perhaps I should be a short story writer - of short stories with no endings.

It's like my knitting lately. I start a project three, four, five times and then take them apart because I don't like how they come out. Then I get frustrated and think, OMG, start this already. Right now working on a scarf (what else?) made of sock yarn. I got this really cute striped wool and well, you know, started the scarf a few times already. Then I got the idea that it would look kind of lacey if I switched to larger needles, so I took it apart once again and started all over. It's kind of tiring and stressful, you know, this constant dissatisfaction. Penelope at least did it because she was waiting for Odysseus. I have no Odysseus to come and rescue my scarf. Oh, I shall call this scarf, the Penelope scarf!

I should perhaps take a course on how to be more decisive. Or perhaps on how to like the decisions I make. It's a good thing that I am not using expensive yarn. I went to Romni Wools yesterday, thinking I would get yarn for my mom. She's been saying she needs new sweaters. Ha! The cheapest yarn there is $10 a ball. And she needs at least 5 balls. So, yeah, I bought one ball and hopefully she can make a hat. But there was this one gorgeous Japanese yarn called Noro. It was $45 a ball. So, imagine what would happen if I was using that. The stress!

I envy people like my kid who know what they want. I always second guess my choices and am always looking for something different.

Terrible Average

I've been averaging one post a year. Very poor attendance.
Late in the evening, I think of many things to post - witty, touching, interesting. Oh, you would be riveted. Come the morning, when I actually sit in front of a screen, it's all a blank.

Been a bit of an up-hill walk lately. My anxiety is creeping up on me. If you don't know what this is like, imagine being absolutely panicked about some minor thing, like forgetting your keys at home. Or not remembering if you turned off the stove. It also doesn't help that I'm somewhat forgetful and I do things by rote without thinking about them. I once spent an agonizing morning wondering if the stove was off or if my place was actually going down in flames until I finally bit the bullet and went home from work to check. I first Googled to see what would happen if someone left an empty pot on a burner that was not turned off. 'Cause that's how I roll. I am here to tell you that usually it's OK, but not if your pot begins to burn and noxious fumes are released and you think about your child coming home to a poisoned apartment. Then it's not OK. That is when you rush home to check. And find out that you did in fact turn the stove off. Now it's part of my morning ritual - making a note of turning the stove off. Yeah, a bit of OCD going on here too.

In sad news, my aunt passed away in Poland. She was elderly and it was to be expected, but nobody ever expects it. She was my father's sister. I wish one of us could go to the funeral, but we can't even do that. My dad is not doing well health-wise himself and I left my passport expire a long, long time ago. Plus, time off work would be problematic. So, once again, we grieve from afar, and grieve that we can't grieve in person.

Troubled Times

Two prominent personalities have been taken away by suicide. Kate Spade died earlier this week, and just today, CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain was found in his hotel room unresponsive and died. He was found by his friend, fellow chef Eric Ripert. I like Eric, he seemed like the light that was shining on Anthony's darkness. This must be incredibly difficult for him.

It all brought back Carol Ann's death. Kate Spade especially reminded me of her, stylish, well to do and under 60. I dreamt about Carol Ann and actually dreamt I was there when she died, which of course, I wasn't, another facet of my ever-present guilt. I was searching my drawer for something and I picked up a diary I kept a while go. Carol Ann's letter fell out. For a second I forgot what it was and I opened it. It's not the original, you understand, the police have that. They made a copy. I can't believe all these years later I am still struggling with this. It will be five years this October since she died. I think many people don't understand that you don't have to feel sad to be suicidal. Carol Ann wasn't. She was on anti-depressants, so she wasn't actually "sad" in the traditional meaning of the word. She just felt this was the most logical solution. I was having a conversation with another friend of mine who admitted to feeling similar while on anti-depressants. It scared her and she stopped taking them. Of course, we can't blame every suicide on anti-depressants. However, I think that is the most dangerous type of suicide, because there are no signs of despair or sadness. Kate's ex-husband said he had spoken to her the night before and she seemed fine.

I thought of Anthony and Eric and wondered if Eric attempted CPR and yes, if there was blood and other bodily fluids. There certainly were at Carol Ann's house. The body fights against whatever is trying to kill it.

Suicide is very difficult for the survivors (well I suppose any death is). The why is never 100% clear. There is so much guilt to contend with. I feel for Kate's daughter and for Anthony's daughter, both tweens. Their lives will never be the same. I suppose I most identify with Eric. Though I was not the one who found my friend (luckily for me) and she planned it that way, I know how it feels to lose someone so abruptly and with so little warning.

Spring?

It's still cold in TO, yesterday it was only 11. Yet, pollen levels are very high, so allergic people like self are beginning to be quite miserable.

OK, I have the most stupid injury you can think of. Well, there might be dumber ones, but I can't think of any. I injured my jaw muscle and as a result have ear, cheek, and neck pain. How? Stress. I seem to clench my jaw at night and maybe not just at night because after the van attack in North York on Monday, my jaw ached even more. I must have been clenching during the day, without even knowing. The ENT doctor I saw told me to rest my jaw. How? Eat mushy stuff and take Robax three times a day for ten days. Well, I can't do Robax or else I would be asleep the whole time, so it's just at night, which is not doing it. And after eating soft foods for about a week, I gave in and had peanuts.

Last year at this time, we saw this:

Still Here!

So, not even going to bother with how long it's been. Yeah. Suffice to say I am still around.

Snatching a few minutes before I get child ready for school. Or should I say adolescent. Oh, yes, and by the time I remembered my password for this, I completely forgot what I was going to say.

Pursuits of late - finding happiness. To that end, I have tried to de-clutter a la Marie Kondo - a bit of a flop, except my closet is still organized, two years later. I then read a book about completely minimizing your stuff. Very inspirational, but can't do it. And lately, I read the Little Book of Hygge, the art of happiness in Denmark. Trying to put some of the principles into my life. Mind you, even the author says at the end, that the main reason Danes are so happy is that they all have a basic income and don't have to worry about surviving if they lose their jobs. Yeah, that would definitely make me happy.

So, the search continues.

Where has the year gone?

I had the best intentions. Really, I did. Is blogging passe? Perhaps.

Time is growing closer to birthday/Christmas time for me. Everyone in my life, with a few exceptions, has their birthday in November, December, and January.

And it was about a year ago that I started the course in meditation. And I am still not finished. The good thing is that I am a lot more successful in doing meditation now than I was a year ago. It has to be guided meditation, but at least it is a kind of meditation.

Life is a bit challenging at the moment. Mr. P has to work six days a week, so I feel somewhat alone. When he's not at work, he needs to rest, so weekends are not that much fun. I do have a surly 11-year-old for company, of course. It's funny how quickly they start to act like teenagers now.

Of course, this is nothing compared to being in many places in the world, oh, like Aleppo, for example. So time to count blessings. :)

Some Sort of New Record!

It has been so long that I don't even recognize blogger interface anymore.

Birthday came and went, luckily without mid-life crisis thoughts like last year. I recognize that I am not doing great, though by the amount of time I spend questioning everything. And wishing myself somewhere else. Preferably this would be somewhere near a beach, with drinks that have little umbrellas in them.

Read Jenny Lawson's book "Let's Pretend This Never Happened." Loved it. But also, perhaps on the scary side, I identify with a few too many things. OCD thinking is one thing. I wasn't aware that not everyone obsesses about stuff like that. It's zombie apocalypse and taxidermied (it's a word for me, OK!) animals for Jenny and for me it's disasters (from car crashes to tornados, you name it, I'm terrified of it) and jewellery. It's as if jewellery could magically protect me from said disasters. Which I realize is ridiculous.

So, meditation helps. It really does. It would help even more if I did it on a regular basis.

Lack of Progress

Not much progress in my happiness work. I've gotten caught up in the stresses of everyday. To be exact, I've been suffering from anxiety attacks. Big ones. Just like in the good 'ol days. Hard to say what the trigger is - lack of control most likely. And I am out of valerian, which does help - I mean taking it helps, not being out of it. And before you ask, a stiff drink makes things worse, so I've been staying away from that.

It's been a year since my sister-in-law, Wendy, died. I did not get to see a lot of her over the years, especially when she was ill. I wish I had. But that is the way of it all. I am grateful for all the times I did see her and we laughed and shared stories.

Meanwhile, I dream of sunny beaches and soft waves lapping the shore.

New Year

OK, it's the 15th of January, so not exactly New Year anymore, but it is still early in the year. Very early. And I am hoping this will be a better year than 2015, which I realize looking back was a very BAD year. It started off with the loss of my dear sister-in-law, Wendy on January 20. It ended with my mom having a heart attack (thankfully, she is recovering) and our friend and neighbour passing away in November. Crap, crap year. There were good bits, of course, but overall, I would like to cross 2015 off the books.

So I am hoping to boost my happiness in 2016. I read Gretchen Rubin's book "The Happiness Project," and I am inspired. I am not launching into a project like hers, but I would like to incorporate some of the things she writes about. And the old adage "if mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy" is true, so I need to take responsibility for my happiness and thereby increase everybody else's as much as is in my power.

So the work of January is to find out what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy. This sounds obvious, but it's not. I see some hard work ahead. And this is OK. I will try to report on progress here, even just to keep myself accountable. So stay tuned.

Singing the Blues

I am not one to shy away from change. I like it and look forward to it. But then when it turns out it's not exactly what I wanted, I am very unhappy, put out, and annoyed. What, say I, this is not better? But it was supposed to be. So here comes my lament. Skip this post, oh ye of cheerful hearts, for it is nothing but the blues here.

We have moved to the new office. It is closer for me, which is the ONLY redeeming feature for me. Yes, I do not miss my one-hour commute. But here is what I do miss (and I tried to be positive about all this, I have!). I miss being downtown. I miss the bustle of it, the constant construction noises, the sounds of emergency vehicle sirens. I miss my cubicle. I hate the open concept office, where everyone is looking at everyone else all of the time. I miss the simple coffee maker and kettle the old office had. The new contraption they call a coffeemaker grinds the coffee and preps all these fancy coffee drinks, which I dislike. And there is no kettle. At all. Well, not on my floor. I even miss my old chair. The new one is all fancy and ergonomic and it makes me slide down, so I have to hunch forward when I'm typing and am in constant shoulder and neck pain.

But most of all, I miss my friends. In the old office, there were chats. There were lunches together. There were shopping trips. There was walking to Yonge and Bloor. And lingering. And now, it's gone. There are no real places to shop (which is good for my wallet, mind), no places to eat out and no walking to a far away subway. And it seems everyone is afraid to go to someone else's desk because there is zero privacy. And I hate it.

OK, I know what you will say. Big deal. Suck it up. There are worse things! And you're right. But right now it is my moment to feel sorry for myself. So there.

It's been 12 years

Today is my wedding anniversary. Also a bit of a grey and rainy day. 12 years ago, it was sunny and humid. It had been a cool spring, so I thought it might be a cooler day, but it was quite warm. Faelyne picked me up, which was good because otherwise, I'd have been hoofing it through the park to the Old Mill. Maybe on our 15th, we can go there for dinner.

I can't believe it's been 12 years already. I guess as a naive bride, I thought I knew a lot about my future husband, though we had never lived together. Now I find that there are still many issues we differ on. Perhaps that is good. It would be unbelievably boring to live with someone who always agreed with everything. In some ways, as a couple, you become a unit, but in many ways you don't. It's still two people, with two minds.

Went for dinner with some work friends on Friday and it wasn't as good as I hoped. One of our group got quite upset over something, not sure what it was, but it left me upset as well. I think maybe I will skip the next one.

Post Birthday Blahs

Something happens to me around my birthday and it ain't good. I don't know why I always think that not unlike Christmas, my birthday is supposed to be this magical time when wishes come true and the universe will rain blessings on me. Guess what! Does not happen. Now, mind you, I have so much already that it's hard to imagine what else I could possibly want. And maybe that's half the trouble. But such is human nature, or such is mine anyway, that I long for excitement and romance. I think it may be time to try something new, something I have never done before. The question is what. I rule out life-threatening things like parasailing and skydiving. Or bungee jumping. The search continues.

Dog Days

These are the dog days of winter. It's cold and dreary. This is not making for good mood weather. I've been chugging vitamin D like there's no tomorrow.

It will soon be a month since Wendy's death. It feels longer, probably because I have not seen her or spoken with her since last year. Carla must be feeling the brunt of it much more. I sometimes think that someone dying far away, although it dulls the pain a bit, robs us of the ability to move on. You don't feel the loss as much immediately, but it's something that goes on longer. It's almost like you are fooled into thinking that person is still there. It was the same for me when my grandmother died. My life did not really change but every time I thought about it, it seemed like it was a fresh loss. Being able to visit her grave in August helped with that a bit. Standing over a grave really brings home the fact that the person is gone.

Major changes happening at work. Not necessarily for the better, either. But, oh, well. It will be something new. Who would have thought that I would be an Originator, someone who welcomes change. Just as I never would have thought I'd be a leader. Not that I occupy a leadership position now. Maybe that is why it gets me so mad when people ride my coat tails.

I think I am going to abandon my jewellery making efforts. I don't have the heart for it. It will never be a business and I don't have the strength to keep trying to make it one. The people I give my jewellery to don't wear it, so I feel like I'm the crazy crochet girl who gives people homemade things they don't want. Not that I'm knocking crochet stuff. I crochet with the best of them. I just crochet for myself.

So basically, having a full-on mid-life crisis. Too bad I don't have the money for a Ferrari. Not that I want one. I want a Subaru Impreza. Yeah, I know, sexy.

2015

2015 is not off to a great start so far. World-wide, there are terrorist attacks, planes crashing, people we thought we trusted being accused of crimes...

Closer to home (well, our home), my dear sister-in-law is fighting for her life. Mr. P's cousin was killed in a truck accident (he was a truck driver). Not fun times.

We are under a cold snap here in Toronto. The windows of our apartment have been frozen over since Sunday.

In cheerier news, Penboy has started watching Dr. Who and likes it! We started with series 1 of the new Dr. Who, the one with Christopher Eccleston. I forgot how good he was. I was quite sad when he left, but then, to me, David Tennant was the ultimate doctor. Mind you, quite warming up to Peter Capaldi.

December

What's worth fighting for? Obviously, life, safety, health, love. What about a title? Stuff happening at work that is not great. It involves a change of title for me. I feel this is negating my experience and education. So is it worth making a fuss? Is it worth being the squeaky wheel that may possibly just get taken off the cart? Not sure. Obviously titles are enormously important to people. We just had an election for mayor. That's a title. What if they changed his title to "city hall representative"? Guessing he would not take it kindly.

I confess that I am feeling stressed to begin with. I am usually a lot further along with Christmas shopping than I am this year. Since Carol Ann's death, the season lost a bit of its lustre. I know it's been over a year, but the sights of that day are still with me. Also Penboy is older so there is none of the letter to Santa stuff and the anticipation he used to have. Of course, he wants presents and he'll be excited to get them, but he's not going to insist on baking cookies for Santa and leaving them along with milk on a table. Yes, I have the Christmas blues.

November

We have winter in the fall. Normally, I like these dark fall days, but not with -20 temps. The wind yesterday was insane and almost carried me (and I am quite portly).

Penboy's birthday was on the 13th. We celebrated with going to Ripley's Aquarium. It was not a cheap outing, I have to say, but it was absolutely spectacular. I don't like fish too much, but I enjoyed every part of it, especially petting stingrays.

So cool!

In crafting news, I made a baby blankie for my friend at work. I really have to get making the several jewellery projects I am planning too. Too many projects. Not enough time!

Back to School

Hard to believe summer is almost over. Mind you, the weather is very much steamy.

Vacation in Poland went by super fast. Up to the time we were sitting on the plane to Paris I didn't actually believe we were really going. Then it sunk in. :) Air France was a very uncomfortable ride. We had bulkhead seating, so I thought it would help with the leg room. It did, but then our trays and screens folded away into our seats, so the seats were smaller. I was really happy to get off that plane. The wait in Paris was interminable. I tried to do a little shopping and just bought a couple of keychain souvenirs and a scarf for my aunt because everything was SO expensive. Duty free prices are not what they used to be.

In Warsaw, seeing my aunt waiting was absolutely lovely! She is a very warm, energetic person and I felt immediately better seeing her (after 12 hours of travel). A bit of a kerfaffle with the hotel, but ultimately we got a very nice room, with a kitchenette. There was a grocery store downstairs, so we did breakfasts and suppers on our own. And coffee, tea, cookies and such. Food was amazing in Poland, fresh and tasty.

We were on the 10th floor on Grzybowska street (Mushroom street) and had a nice view.

The very next day we started visiting people and exploring. And continued for the next ten days. It was amazing. For me, it was a bit strange at times, I felt very connected to Warsaw, yet disconnected as well, seeing it for the first time not by myself, but through the eyes of Penboy and Mr. P.
We saw my beloved Wilanow.

And my beloved Saski Park.

And even made it to Krakow for the day.

It was amazing. I miss being there.

But now back to reality. Today is the first day of school and Penboy went off fairly willingly, so maybe that's a good start. And also Halloween is approaching which means Halloween crafts. Yay!

Are these the dog days?

The countdown is on. Less than a month to go until our trip. Nothing to do but wait right now. Too early to pack. Sigh.

Meanwhile, a Malaysian jet got shot down in Ukraine. I wish they would call a ceasefire or something, but look how well it worked for Gaza. So maybe no ceasefire.

The cute crochet elephant I am working on is turning out to be absolutely enormous. I was not expecting it to be that big. Maybe I am using slightly thicker yarn than I should. So far I made the head and ears and my yarn sewing needle broke.

We are supposed to paint Penboy's room tomorrow. It will be interesting with my costochondritis and shoulder pains. It has to be done sometime and I don't want to do it after we come back from our trip. He has requested white for the walls. I'm glad because that is what I grew up with. I know Mr. P is not a big fan, but after several years of coloured walls, I'm ready to go back to white or some sort of neutral.

So ready to be on vacay! Soon!

Summer days

I can't lie to, you hot, hazy weather is not my favourite. Today, even air con does not seem to be doing a good job of cooling the place off. On top of that, I've been suffering from costochondritis, or the like (self, diagnosed, of course - WebMD is my friend!) and am in pain most of the time. Does not make pengirl a happy girl!

In craft news, I have finally started on the crochet elephant. I guess I am using slightly thicker yarn, because it is turning out quite big. Here is what it's supposed to look like. Mine is all green, not rainbow.

You can get thee a free pattern here http://www.jammade.com/crochet-elephants/.

Almost Summer

Very little to report. Still waiting to hear about my dear friend's interment. If you can call it that, that is. It will be a cremation and the ashes will be sprinkled somewhere. Not sure where. It's depressing.

We've all been sick for weeks. Feel better now, but my body is all run down and I still have little ailments that bug me.

I guess, that good news is that it is finally nicer outside. It's sunny and warm and we've even had a few days of humidity.

And also - 70 sleeps (give or take) until Poland!!!! Can't wait.