Two prominent personalities have been taken away by suicide. Kate Spade died earlier this week, and just today, CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain was found in his hotel room unresponsive and died. He was found by his friend, fellow chef Eric Ripert. I like Eric, he seemed like the light that was shining on Anthony's darkness. This must be incredibly difficult for him.
It all brought back Carol Ann's death. Kate Spade especially reminded me of her, stylish, well to do and under 60. I dreamt about Carol Ann and actually dreamt I was there when she died, which of course, I wasn't, another facet of my ever-present guilt. I was searching my drawer for something and I picked up a diary I kept a while go. Carol Ann's letter fell out. For a second I forgot what it was and I opened it. It's not the original, you understand, the police have that. They made a copy. I can't believe all these years later I am still struggling with this. It will be five years this October since she died. I think many people don't understand that you don't have to feel sad to be suicidal. Carol Ann wasn't. She was on anti-depressants, so she wasn't actually "sad" in the traditional meaning of the word. She just felt this was the most logical solution. I was having a conversation with another friend of mine who admitted to feeling similar while on anti-depressants. It scared her and she stopped taking them. Of course, we can't blame every suicide on anti-depressants. However, I think that is the most dangerous type of suicide, because there are no signs of despair or sadness. Kate's ex-husband said he had spoken to her the night before and she seemed fine.
I thought of Anthony and Eric and wondered if Eric attempted CPR and yes, if there was blood and other bodily fluids. There certainly were at Carol Ann's house. The body fights against whatever is trying to kill it.
Suicide is very difficult for the survivors (well I suppose any death is). The why is never 100% clear. There is so much guilt to contend with. I feel for Kate's daughter and for Anthony's daughter, both tweens. Their lives will never be the same. I suppose I most identify with Eric. Though I was not the one who found my friend (luckily for me) and she planned it that way, I know how it feels to lose someone so abruptly and with so little warning.