Troubled Times

Two prominent personalities have been taken away by suicide. Kate Spade died earlier this week, and just today, CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain was found in his hotel room unresponsive and died. He was found by his friend, fellow chef Eric Ripert. I like Eric, he seemed like the light that was shining on Anthony's darkness. This must be incredibly difficult for him.

It all brought back Carol Ann's death. Kate Spade especially reminded me of her, stylish, well to do and under 60. I dreamt about Carol Ann and actually dreamt I was there when she died, which of course, I wasn't, another facet of my ever-present guilt. I was searching my drawer for something and I picked up a diary I kept a while go. Carol Ann's letter fell out. For a second I forgot what it was and I opened it. It's not the original, you understand, the police have that. They made a copy. I can't believe all these years later I am still struggling with this. It will be five years this October since she died. I think many people don't understand that you don't have to feel sad to be suicidal. Carol Ann wasn't. She was on anti-depressants, so she wasn't actually "sad" in the traditional meaning of the word. She just felt this was the most logical solution. I was having a conversation with another friend of mine who admitted to feeling similar while on anti-depressants. It scared her and she stopped taking them. Of course, we can't blame every suicide on anti-depressants. However, I think that is the most dangerous type of suicide, because there are no signs of despair or sadness. Kate's ex-husband said he had spoken to her the night before and she seemed fine.

I thought of Anthony and Eric and wondered if Eric attempted CPR and yes, if there was blood and other bodily fluids. There certainly were at Carol Ann's house. The body fights against whatever is trying to kill it.

Suicide is very difficult for the survivors (well I suppose any death is). The why is never 100% clear. There is so much guilt to contend with. I feel for Kate's daughter and for Anthony's daughter, both tweens. Their lives will never be the same. I suppose I most identify with Eric. Though I was not the one who found my friend (luckily for me) and she planned it that way, I know how it feels to lose someone so abruptly and with so little warning.

Spring?

It's still cold in TO, yesterday it was only 11. Yet, pollen levels are very high, so allergic people like self are beginning to be quite miserable.

OK, I have the most stupid injury you can think of. Well, there might be dumber ones, but I can't think of any. I injured my jaw muscle and as a result have ear, cheek, and neck pain. How? Stress. I seem to clench my jaw at night and maybe not just at night because after the van attack in North York on Monday, my jaw ached even more. I must have been clenching during the day, without even knowing. The ENT doctor I saw told me to rest my jaw. How? Eat mushy stuff and take Robax three times a day for ten days. Well, I can't do Robax or else I would be asleep the whole time, so it's just at night, which is not doing it. And after eating soft foods for about a week, I gave in and had peanuts.

Last year at this time, we saw this:

Still Here!

So, not even going to bother with how long it's been. Yeah. Suffice to say I am still around.

Snatching a few minutes before I get child ready for school. Or should I say adolescent. Oh, yes, and by the time I remembered my password for this, I completely forgot what I was going to say.

Pursuits of late - finding happiness. To that end, I have tried to de-clutter a la Marie Kondo - a bit of a flop, except my closet is still organized, two years later. I then read a book about completely minimizing your stuff. Very inspirational, but can't do it. And lately, I read the Little Book of Hygge, the art of happiness in Denmark. Trying to put some of the principles into my life. Mind you, even the author says at the end, that the main reason Danes are so happy is that they all have a basic income and don't have to worry about surviving if they lose their jobs. Yeah, that would definitely make me happy.

So, the search continues.