Singing the Blues

I am not one to shy away from change. I like it and look forward to it. But then when it turns out it's not exactly what I wanted, I am very unhappy, put out, and annoyed. What, say I, this is not better? But it was supposed to be. So here comes my lament. Skip this post, oh ye of cheerful hearts, for it is nothing but the blues here.

We have moved to the new office. It is closer for me, which is the ONLY redeeming feature for me. Yes, I do not miss my one-hour commute. But here is what I do miss (and I tried to be positive about all this, I have!). I miss being downtown. I miss the bustle of it, the constant construction noises, the sounds of emergency vehicle sirens. I miss my cubicle. I hate the open concept office, where everyone is looking at everyone else all of the time. I miss the simple coffee maker and kettle the old office had. The new contraption they call a coffeemaker grinds the coffee and preps all these fancy coffee drinks, which I dislike. And there is no kettle. At all. Well, not on my floor. I even miss my old chair. The new one is all fancy and ergonomic and it makes me slide down, so I have to hunch forward when I'm typing and am in constant shoulder and neck pain.

But most of all, I miss my friends. In the old office, there were chats. There were lunches together. There were shopping trips. There was walking to Yonge and Bloor. And lingering. And now, it's gone. There are no real places to shop (which is good for my wallet, mind), no places to eat out and no walking to a far away subway. And it seems everyone is afraid to go to someone else's desk because there is zero privacy. And I hate it.

OK, I know what you will say. Big deal. Suck it up. There are worse things! And you're right. But right now it is my moment to feel sorry for myself. So there.

It's been 12 years

Today is my wedding anniversary. Also a bit of a grey and rainy day. 12 years ago, it was sunny and humid. It had been a cool spring, so I thought it might be a cooler day, but it was quite warm. Faelyne picked me up, which was good because otherwise, I'd have been hoofing it through the park to the Old Mill. Maybe on our 15th, we can go there for dinner.

I can't believe it's been 12 years already. I guess as a naive bride, I thought I knew a lot about my future husband, though we had never lived together. Now I find that there are still many issues we differ on. Perhaps that is good. It would be unbelievably boring to live with someone who always agreed with everything. In some ways, as a couple, you become a unit, but in many ways you don't. It's still two people, with two minds.

Went for dinner with some work friends on Friday and it wasn't as good as I hoped. One of our group got quite upset over something, not sure what it was, but it left me upset as well. I think maybe I will skip the next one.

Post Birthday Blahs

Something happens to me around my birthday and it ain't good. I don't know why I always think that not unlike Christmas, my birthday is supposed to be this magical time when wishes come true and the universe will rain blessings on me. Guess what! Does not happen. Now, mind you, I have so much already that it's hard to imagine what else I could possibly want. And maybe that's half the trouble. But such is human nature, or such is mine anyway, that I long for excitement and romance. I think it may be time to try something new, something I have never done before. The question is what. I rule out life-threatening things like parasailing and skydiving. Or bungee jumping. The search continues.

Dog Days

These are the dog days of winter. It's cold and dreary. This is not making for good mood weather. I've been chugging vitamin D like there's no tomorrow.

It will soon be a month since Wendy's death. It feels longer, probably because I have not seen her or spoken with her since last year. Carla must be feeling the brunt of it much more. I sometimes think that someone dying far away, although it dulls the pain a bit, robs us of the ability to move on. You don't feel the loss as much immediately, but it's something that goes on longer. It's almost like you are fooled into thinking that person is still there. It was the same for me when my grandmother died. My life did not really change but every time I thought about it, it seemed like it was a fresh loss. Being able to visit her grave in August helped with that a bit. Standing over a grave really brings home the fact that the person is gone.

Major changes happening at work. Not necessarily for the better, either. But, oh, well. It will be something new. Who would have thought that I would be an Originator, someone who welcomes change. Just as I never would have thought I'd be a leader. Not that I occupy a leadership position now. Maybe that is why it gets me so mad when people ride my coat tails.

I think I am going to abandon my jewellery making efforts. I don't have the heart for it. It will never be a business and I don't have the strength to keep trying to make it one. The people I give my jewellery to don't wear it, so I feel like I'm the crazy crochet girl who gives people homemade things they don't want. Not that I'm knocking crochet stuff. I crochet with the best of them. I just crochet for myself.

So basically, having a full-on mid-life crisis. Too bad I don't have the money for a Ferrari. Not that I want one. I want a Subaru Impreza. Yeah, I know, sexy.

2015

2015 is not off to a great start so far. World-wide, there are terrorist attacks, planes crashing, people we thought we trusted being accused of crimes...

Closer to home (well, our home), my dear sister-in-law is fighting for her life. Mr. P's cousin was killed in a truck accident (he was a truck driver). Not fun times.

We are under a cold snap here in Toronto. The windows of our apartment have been frozen over since Sunday.

In cheerier news, Penboy has started watching Dr. Who and likes it! We started with series 1 of the new Dr. Who, the one with Christopher Eccleston. I forgot how good he was. I was quite sad when he left, but then, to me, David Tennant was the ultimate doctor. Mind you, quite warming up to Peter Capaldi.

December

What's worth fighting for? Obviously, life, safety, health, love. What about a title? Stuff happening at work that is not great. It involves a change of title for me. I feel this is negating my experience and education. So is it worth making a fuss? Is it worth being the squeaky wheel that may possibly just get taken off the cart? Not sure. Obviously titles are enormously important to people. We just had an election for mayor. That's a title. What if they changed his title to "city hall representative"? Guessing he would not take it kindly.

I confess that I am feeling stressed to begin with. I am usually a lot further along with Christmas shopping than I am this year. Since Carol Ann's death, the season lost a bit of its lustre. I know it's been over a year, but the sights of that day are still with me. Also Penboy is older so there is none of the letter to Santa stuff and the anticipation he used to have. Of course, he wants presents and he'll be excited to get them, but he's not going to insist on baking cookies for Santa and leaving them along with milk on a table. Yes, I have the Christmas blues.

November

We have winter in the fall. Normally, I like these dark fall days, but not with -20 temps. The wind yesterday was insane and almost carried me (and I am quite portly).

Penboy's birthday was on the 13th. We celebrated with going to Ripley's Aquarium. It was not a cheap outing, I have to say, but it was absolutely spectacular. I don't like fish too much, but I enjoyed every part of it, especially petting stingrays.

So cool!

In crafting news, I made a baby blankie for my friend at work. I really have to get making the several jewellery projects I am planning too. Too many projects. Not enough time!

Back to School

Hard to believe summer is almost over. Mind you, the weather is very much steamy.

Vacation in Poland went by super fast. Up to the time we were sitting on the plane to Paris I didn't actually believe we were really going. Then it sunk in. :) Air France was a very uncomfortable ride. We had bulkhead seating, so I thought it would help with the leg room. It did, but then our trays and screens folded away into our seats, so the seats were smaller. I was really happy to get off that plane. The wait in Paris was interminable. I tried to do a little shopping and just bought a couple of keychain souvenirs and a scarf for my aunt because everything was SO expensive. Duty free prices are not what they used to be.

In Warsaw, seeing my aunt waiting was absolutely lovely! She is a very warm, energetic person and I felt immediately better seeing her (after 12 hours of travel). A bit of a kerfaffle with the hotel, but ultimately we got a very nice room, with a kitchenette. There was a grocery store downstairs, so we did breakfasts and suppers on our own. And coffee, tea, cookies and such. Food was amazing in Poland, fresh and tasty.

We were on the 10th floor on Grzybowska street (Mushroom street) and had a nice view.

The very next day we started visiting people and exploring. And continued for the next ten days. It was amazing. For me, it was a bit strange at times, I felt very connected to Warsaw, yet disconnected as well, seeing it for the first time not by myself, but through the eyes of Penboy and Mr. P.
We saw my beloved Wilanow.

And my beloved Saski Park.

And even made it to Krakow for the day.

It was amazing. I miss being there.

But now back to reality. Today is the first day of school and Penboy went off fairly willingly, so maybe that's a good start. And also Halloween is approaching which means Halloween crafts. Yay!

Are these the dog days?

The countdown is on. Less than a month to go until our trip. Nothing to do but wait right now. Too early to pack. Sigh.

Meanwhile, a Malaysian jet got shot down in Ukraine. I wish they would call a ceasefire or something, but look how well it worked for Gaza. So maybe no ceasefire.

The cute crochet elephant I am working on is turning out to be absolutely enormous. I was not expecting it to be that big. Maybe I am using slightly thicker yarn than I should. So far I made the head and ears and my yarn sewing needle broke.

We are supposed to paint Penboy's room tomorrow. It will be interesting with my costochondritis and shoulder pains. It has to be done sometime and I don't want to do it after we come back from our trip. He has requested white for the walls. I'm glad because that is what I grew up with. I know Mr. P is not a big fan, but after several years of coloured walls, I'm ready to go back to white or some sort of neutral.

So ready to be on vacay! Soon!

Summer days

I can't lie to, you hot, hazy weather is not my favourite. Today, even air con does not seem to be doing a good job of cooling the place off. On top of that, I've been suffering from costochondritis, or the like (self, diagnosed, of course - WebMD is my friend!) and am in pain most of the time. Does not make pengirl a happy girl!

In craft news, I have finally started on the crochet elephant. I guess I am using slightly thicker yarn, because it is turning out quite big. Here is what it's supposed to look like. Mine is all green, not rainbow.

You can get thee a free pattern here http://www.jammade.com/crochet-elephants/.

Almost Summer

Very little to report. Still waiting to hear about my dear friend's interment. If you can call it that, that is. It will be a cremation and the ashes will be sprinkled somewhere. Not sure where. It's depressing.

We've all been sick for weeks. Feel better now, but my body is all run down and I still have little ailments that bug me.

I guess, that good news is that it is finally nicer outside. It's sunny and warm and we've even had a few days of humidity.

And also - 70 sleeps (give or take) until Poland!!!! Can't wait.

Spring is here!

It seems that we finally have spring. Things have slowly started to bloom and there are tiny leaf buds on the trees. This winter was eternal.

True to form, once the weather gets nice, I get sick. All winter I'd been healthy, with not even a sniffle. Right now I feel like I want to crawl under a rock. Sinuses are about to burst. Sigh.

In other news, I am considering going red. I have been noticing a lot of redheaded women lately, and not just a tame reddish brown but true carrot tops. It might be a huge mistake, but I am getting ready to take the plunge. Like these ladies:

When will it end?

The winter, that is. When will it ever end? I am echoing the feelings of all Ontarians, I'm sure, when I say. I have had it!

I want flowers and spring and warm weather!

In other news, my husband is a very bad man. He bought cinnamon raisin bread and displayed it prettily on the counter. I love cinnamon raisin bread. My digestive system on the other hand, absolutely hates cinnamon raisin bread. So of course, I had a slice...toasted...with honey...OMG, yum! And now am suffering. Self-restraint and I are not friends. This is why I'm in debt. But working on it.

Interminable Winter

This winter is officially the worst. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this. I usually get my winter blahs, but this year it's pretty bad.

I want spring back!

This is what I want!

Found this pic of an amigurumi bunny I made for Penboy. Here is a pic.

 

It was my first foray into using safety eyes.

Goodbye, 2013!

Goodbye, 2013, I am glad to see the back of you! I know I'm a sucker and believe that a change in the date on the calendar will bring on magically a change in life and circumstances, but hey, a girl can dream.

Christmas was pretty good. Got some very nice loot, including a Kindle. Yes, I caved, but only because it was going to be a Kindle Fire with games, books and videos. Basically, a tablet. Love it.

Also love the love and closeness at this time of year. The Mr. has a bit more time on his hands and this year he has lavished some extra attention on his lovely wife (moi) and I am loving it! I know this is all sappy stuff, but I do so love my husband. Penboy is all happy and bright and enjoying his pressies too and I get lots of love and cuddles from him.

Sad for many people, they spent Christmas in the dark and cold after the ice storm. We were extremely lucky not to lose power at all.

I hope everyone has a great start to 2014.

Holidays

Getting really close to Christmas. Penboy is counting the days. I am mostly looking forward to being off next week. A bit sad that as an adult, you get most excited about time off, not the tree or the food or the presents. Though, I did ask Santa for a special electronic this year. :)

I re-read "A Christmas Carol" for the first time as an adult. Who knew Dickens is funny! I really enjoyed it. Might have to read more Dickens in the future.

In crafting news, I've been busy making some jewellery sets for a co-worker. She asked for necklaces and bracelets for some nieces. I also made a Santa hat for Penboy, but it turned out a bit too short. He didn't wear it to school yesterday.

My boss gave us an awesome gift this year. She took us for spa treatments! It was so nice. I got a manicure and my co-worker a pedi. Ahhhhh, it was so relaxing! The treatment included a hot stone massage and paraffin treatment. It was blissful. New year's resolution - have more spa treatments.

Miss you

My dear friend Carol Ann, took her life three weeks ago. I am still struggling with the loss. I miss her. She left a big hole in the fabric of my world.

Goodbye, Car.

Hallowe'en Approacheth

Penboy is all set with his kangaroo costume. Actually, I ordered this in August. He also requested a pumpkin hat, which I just started, so I better hurry if I am to finish for next Thursday.
Lots of other crafting has been taking place too.

Work has been insane and will be so for the foreseeable future. At least until mid January. That's good, I suppose - job security. Mind you, can one really talk about job security these days?

Penboy's birthday is coming up and we have been spared organizing a party by some cunning bribery on my part. I asked him if he wanted a party or a bigger gift. Well, of course, he said bigger gift. I would have spent at least $300 on a party, so I got him the underwater camera that he has been pining for.

In other news, I love valerian and skullcap. Whenever I get into a bit of a "state," I take it and it helps almost immediately! I guess when you have a depressive disorder, it's hard to imagine feeling "normal" all the time. You always think about the next episode and how to help yourself when it comes. I'm lucky that there is something that helps. I do not relish the thought of going back on serotonin enhancers.

Thanksgiving

Having a very long weekend (Friday off and Monday Thanksgiving). Love it. Was not tempted even once to sign in and check work e-mails.

There are a few things that I am thankful for this year:

1. My beautiful son
2. My wonderful husband (who, OK, cheeses me off sometimes, but that passes)
3. The fact that his heart is generally OK, though slightly too big (awww, he has a big heart - I know, that is not good)
4. That I have my parents and they are healthy
5. That my sister-in-law is still around
6. That I have lovely friends who do not judge me (at least out loud) and love me for who I am
7. That we live in a country that allows me to drive and vote, and does not require me to cover my face
8. That we live in a country that is safe (albeit a bit boring)

Those are the biggies. Also missing and remembering some people at this time: my grandmas, my father-in-law, Carl whom we used to visit around this time every year; Mr. P's aunt Lena, who was the HQ of his family (all roads led to her house - really!). I am thankful to have had all of them in my life.

OK, I feel all warm and fuzzy now. I better finish this up before I start searching the web for pictures of fluffy kittens.

October

It's a rainy day in October. Fall is here. Mind you, fall here is not like it was in Poland, where it's cold and rainy almost every day. And dark. Warsaw is further north than Toronto and it gets dark very early in the winter, earlier than here.

As I was walking through the park yesterday, it was warm and pretty sunny. These days I sometimes have to walk because the bus is so crowded, I can't get on. The TTC is a warcrime these days. I have to let at least two trains go at College and Yonge and then can't get on the stupid bus. Honestly! Rob Ford wants to ride the Yonge subway at rush hour in the afternoon. Then maybe he wouldn't be making stupid extensions into Scarborough where we don't need them.

I dream of living somewhere where it would take less than half an hour to get to work, where there are not 3.5 million people cramming in to every possible space, where there is fresh air and maybe a wind from the sea...I dream of a salty tang in the air, of fishing boats coming in in the morning and fog horns at night. And maybe somewhere where people have smiles on their faces rather than permascowls.